Product lines
When
the Let's Get Criminal action figures are available,
you'll be at the top of the list, barring any problems with
overseas distribution and a flood of calls on my 900 number.
1-900-CALL-LEV.
Press 1--For excerpts from my
next five books
Press 2--For excerpts from my last five books
Press 3--For my secret wishes & fears
Press 4--For merchandising information
Subject: 1-900-CALL-LEV
The response to the number's
been so great that I've expanded it to include:
Press 5--For tour schedule
Press 6--For a short reading from my next book
Press 7--For mystery con fashion tips
Subject: 1-900-CALL-LEV
(Important PS)
Just a reminder: you must be
over 18 to call this number, or have permission from your
editor, agent, or mystery bookseller.
Billing will commence after
the first quip.
Subject: Action Figures
Manufacturing problems have
led to a temporary halt in production, but call
1-900-CALL-LEV and press 7 for counselors to help you deal
with the emotional turmoil. And press 8 if you were an
investor.
Subject: Action Figures
Warning!
Before y'all jump on the
action figures bandwagon I started and then fled, you should
know the truth.
I said there'd been some
manufacturing problems and offered a helpline for upset
consumers and investors, and hope that would be a word to
the wise. Didn't work.
And I can't stand the thought
of so many authors endangering their fans. Okay, then.
Remember the doll that ate kids' hair?
Imagine what could happen with
mystery action figures that got--shall we say--too
active?
The rest is silence--unless
you call 1-900-CALL-LEV and press 9 for more Wes Craven-like
details.
Subject: Action Figures
Warning--PS
I've just heard from Phyllis
Richman, quoting unnamed sources inside the Justice
Department, that there are already plans for an
investigation of action figures manufacturing and
advertisement--before anything's even hit the stores.
Apparently there have been
consumer complaints based on the *fear* of being injured,
and there's even a rumor of a class-action suit as well,
independent of gov't action (ouch). As authors making vast
sums, we are easy targets for litigation.
So, if you want to end up
looking as foolish as Kathie Lee Gifford and have people
sadly shake their heads and mutter "Busted" when your name
comes up, go ahead with your plans.
But don't say you haven't been
warned.....
Thanks for the great reviews
of Let's Get Criminal. So what if I made a mistake
and let my good bud Kathie Lee Gifford take over the
manufacturing end of the action figures? How was I to know
she'd employ slave labor in Mauritania, and the figures
would have some hideous problems? At least I've earned some
fans who might write to me in prison. You will write, won't
you--?
Subject: Computer
Warning
There's worse trouble than
out-of-control action figures, I've learned. I made the
terrible mistake of switching from my Sparkle Hayter
Screensaver to my Patsy Cornwell Screensaver in
the same day.
Norton PsychPro
diagnosed me and my computer as suffering from a
manic-depressive virus and shut everything down to spare us
further emotional turmoil.
Try explaining this to your
computer repair guy.....
from Lev Raphael, author of
The Sparkle Hayter Story, an AMC movie original
starring Tim Robbins, Tom Robbins, and Robin Givens. Music
by Echo and the Bunnymen, Sade, and Holst.
I hope you enjoy the new line
of LGC table linens and patio furniture. Soon to be
available at a Nordstrom's near you.
I'm very proud to announce
that Let's Get Criminal is the inspiration behind a
new perfume by Arpege:
"Criminel"
Witty, and just slightly
outside the law, with the musky scent of nights spent
reading Roland Barthes.
If you have to ask how much it
costs per ounce, you can't afford it.
Available exclusively at
Bonwit's.
Arpege is also bringing out a
companion scent:
"Siobhan"
Unprounceable,
unforgettable--an enigma inside a chimera inside a
conundrum. For when you want to mystify the one you
love.
from Lev Raphael, author of
Scent of a Human, a thriller with aliens.
Subject: You Can Be A
Winner!
The Edith Wharton
Murders was released the first day of the UPS strike, so
the first person to spot it in a book store and supply
convincing forensic detail (sales slip acceptable) will be a
BIG WINNER OF:
--A full supply of Let's
Get Criminal linens and fabulous tableware.
--A 2-ounce bottle of
Criminel, haughty and slightly taboo.
--Ditto Siobhan,
mysterious and memorable (sort of).
--And the latest
Raphael-inspired scent: Tiara, for when you're
feeling naughty, but aristocratic.
Product Lines
All text copyright © 1997-2009 by Lev Raphael.
|
